Psychologist Nicolás Salcedo on the fear of saying "no": "Complacency is not kindness."

Many of people's attitudes and behaviors have their origins in the education they receive during childhood . It's not the only thing that influences things, obviously, but it does have a great deal of influence, both from what they see at home and what they learn at school, which in Spain is compulsory from the ages of 6 to 16.

What we internalize during those first years of life can have a bigger impact on us than we think and lead us to unhealthy behaviors. This is what happens with complacency, something psychologist Nicolás Salcedo explains, emphasizing the fear of saying "no" and what its origins may be .

Complacency as a defense mechanism

"Being a people-pleaser isn't kindness, it's survival," explains Nicolás Salcedo, a psychologist specializing in Emotional Intelligence, on social media. He goes on to describe a common situation in some homes that can lead to this type of behavior, which has consequences for many people's adult lives.

"You grew up in a home where your parents' emotions determined the emotional well-being of others. If one day he was angry, there was a lot of tension and you were all on alert so as not to anger him further , and if he was calm, although you could breathe a little, you always had an eye on any change that might occur," he says about a situation that can be common in some homes and that has consequences for the development of the person , because this trains the child or young person to anticipate the emotional states of others, observing carefully in order to modify their own behavior depending on how it might affect the other.

"You already knew what you had to do to contain their emotional state, and that made you an expert at mitigating conflict. Not at managing it, but at avoiding it at all costs," he explains, referring to the problem this poses. While it's a system that works and helps you survive the situation, it poses a long-term problem because these patterns tend to repeat themselves in adulthood. "Now, as an adult, you continue to put others before yourself. You're afraid to say no, and you fear that a conflict will break out if you say what you really think or if you set boundaries."

"That makes you take responsibility for other people's emotions , forget about yourself, and carry a burden that isn't yours." The best solution to overcome this type of behavior is to seek professional help. Therapy will provide the tools to help you free yourself from that burden. "You have to find ways to vent, to express what you really feel, to be who you really are . That will allow you to later face the discomfort of saying no, to confront the difficulty of setting boundaries, so that you can begin to be more authentic and your relationships will be of better quality."

Avoiding conflict and keeping quiet to maintain peace is a learned strategy that can make things more comfortable and easier. "When that happens, ask yourself: 'Whose peace am I keeping?' Spoiler alert: It's not yours."

The importance of setting limits

Setting boundaries isn't always easy, but it's necessary because it helps us let others know what we need and want . It's about being able to express these without overlooking the needs and desires of others. Setting boundaries helps preserve our emotional well-being, improve communication, foster mutual respect, and create healthy relationships.

As we say, it's not always easy. It could be due to a lack of self-knowledge, but also because we're afraid of appearing selfish and seemingly only thinking about ourselves , because we feel that, to be loved, we have to always be available. It could also be because we've been led to believe that we have to be able to do everything. Learning to set boundaries can be a difficult task; first, we need to know what our desires and needs are.

Learning to say no is also an important part of rejecting anything that doesn't fit those boundaries, as well as doing so without guilt . We must be assertive, calmly explain our boundaries, warn of the possible consequences of not respecting them, and also learn to listen. Just as our boundaries must be respected and we should surround ourselves with people who do so, we must also respect the boundaries of others.

References

András Vörös, Per Block, Zsófia Boda, Limits to inferring status from friendship relations, Social Networks, Volume 59, 2019, Pages 77-97, ISSN 0378-8733, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socnet.2019.05.007.